Healing for Hurt Homes

(This worksheet is for those who are honestly interested in having a Christian marriage that is both happy and God glorifying. Lack of honesty with yourself and toward God will doom any effort to heal your home.)

The following is designed for those who have found themselves in hurting homes. Without the Lord Jesus Christ as Saviour and Lord of each person in the home, full success or healing to the home is impossible. If you are unsure of your relationship to God, please see the studies entitled "Salvation" and "Evidence of Salvation." For those who are "born again" by faith in the sacrificial death, burial and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ in your place, the following may be used as a guide to place you and your home back into the healthy and happy condition God had in mind for marriage.

Almighty God created man and then He created woman. He created the institution of marriage which unites and governs His created male and female beings. In His infinite wisdom, He has given the principles in the Bible which when obeyed will bring the greatest happiness and fulfillment to married couples. Studies on some of the principles of marriage are available under the title of How to Have a Happy Marriage and The Christian Family. They should be read in conjunction with this worksheet. These may be obtained at no charge from our home page or by writing to P.O. Box 662, Orangevale, CA 95662.

Priorities

Before we consider establishing "goals" for your marriage, it is important that both husband and wife consider their life's priorities. Often, troubled homes are based on a foundation of the wrong priorities. Christians may have been lead to believe that their first priority is to "God's work," meaning serving the church in some capacity. At other times, even though we know better, the career becomes number one in priority. May we suggest this order:

Salvation through the Lord Jesus Christ
Service to the Lord Jesus Christ in this order:
1. Meeting the needs of your family, spiritually and physically
2. Serving beyond your home boundaries
3. Your career (only applicable to the husband...the wife's 'career' should be her home)

Establishing goals

No country, army, business or home can really be successful unless they know wherethey would like to be. As an important starting point, the husband and wife each need to list below their real goals in life.

HUSBAND'S GOALS

1. ___________________________________________________________________________


2. ___________________________________________________________________________


3. ___________________________________________________________________________


4. ___________________________________________________________________________


5. ___________________________________________________________________________


6. ___________________________________________________________________________


7. ___________________________________________________________________________


8. ___________________________________________________________________________

WIFE'S GOALS

1. ___________________________________________________________________________


2. ___________________________________________________________________________


3. ___________________________________________________________________________


4. ___________________________________________________________________________


5. ___________________________________________________________________________


6. ___________________________________________________________________________


7. ___________________________________________________________________________


8. ___________________________________________________________________________

When you have each completed your list of goals, review them and see if these are your honestgoals. Compare the husband's goals with the wife's goals. Are they similar in having the happy, God glorifying marriage as the outcome or does the list contain self-centered goals.

Use the following verses as a "yardstick" to measure the worthiness of your goals.

Matthew 6:33 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.

Acts 20:35 I have shewed you all things, how that so labouring ye ought to support the weak, and to remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he said, "It is more blessed to give than to receive".

Philippians 2:3 Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

As simple as it may sound, hurting homes do not really know where they would like to be. They may know they would like to be happy, but the rest of their goals are either confused, unclear or wrong. It is these self-centered goals that are destroying the home and the marriage. By establishing realistic and godly goals, the energies and resources of the home can be directed toward what God desires for you, resulting in true happiness and fulfillment.

For example, on the surface, each person may claim they want a happy home. However, the true unclear or unadmitted goal may be to get his or her way, thinking "their way" is what will make them happy. These goals ("a happy home" and "my way") are not compatible. The unadmitted but stronger goal of "my way" will prevail, resulting in unhappiness.

Any of the above listed goals that are self-centered -- not for the good of the other(s) -- and/or contrary to God's word will haveto be discarded in order to heal the home. Any home that is in need of healing will have several goals (if the participants are honest) that are selfish and will need to be abandoned.

Changing selfish habits is not easily done. If you want your home healed more than you want "your way," you may call on your Saviour and Lord to help you make the necessarychanges.

Philippians 4:6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the LORD with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths.

After sincerely praying for the wisdom and strength to delete the selfish goals on your list, draw a line through them. If there are few or no goals on your list that are for the benefit of your mate, consider God's will and place these kinds of goals on your list now.

Means to obtain the goals

Now that you have only unselfish, Christ-centered goals established, how do you intend to accomplish them? For example, if the husband has resolved not to yell at his wife and children in the future, what are you going to do the next time (and there will be a "next time") the occasion to yell arises? If the wife has written on her list that she wants to be more submissive to her husband, how do you intend to overcome the urge to take over at times?

If prayer and Bible reading have not been a regular part of your home routine, this would be a good time to discuss when would be the best time of day for each individual to read and pray and when the best time to get the whole family together for this all important communion with God and each other.

Next to each number on the list below which corresponds with your "Goals" list, write how you intend to accomplish each goal.

HUSBAND'S MEANS OF ACCOMPLISHING HIS GOALS

1. ___________________________________________________________________________


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2. ___________________________________________________________________________


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3. ___________________________________________________________________________


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4. ___________________________________________________________________________


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5. ___________________________________________________________________________


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6. ___________________________________________________________________________


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7. ___________________________________________________________________________


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8. ___________________________________________________________________________


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WIFE'S MEANS OF ACCOMPLISHING HER GOALS

1. ___________________________________________________________________________


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2. ___________________________________________________________________________


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3. ___________________________________________________________________________


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4. ___________________________________________________________________________


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5. ___________________________________________________________________________


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6. ___________________________________________________________________________


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7. ___________________________________________________________________________


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8. ___________________________________________________________________________


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So far, so good. But realistically how well do you expect your partner to perform his/her goals? How well do you think you are going to perform? In both cases it is a safe bet that you will not do so perfectly. It is very necessary that you both do not expect perfection from each other or yourself. What you should expect is an honest effort at trying.

"Atta boys"

If you have read about the "virtuous woman" in Proverbs the 31st chapter, you will find an extensive list of her accomplishments. In addition to the unmentioned rewards she will one day obtain from the hand of her Saviour (see 1Corinthians 3), there is a "pay day" here and now for this very hard working woman...

Proverbs 31:28 Her children arise up, and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praiseth her.

Do you see it? Her children and her husband "praise her"! There is nothing that encourages growth and proper change like honest praise and recognition (this applies to husbands, wives, children, employees, etc.). And, on the contrary, there is nothing that discourages growth and change like ignoring it. Husband...wife...look for the good changes in your spouse rather than the failures. Tell him/her when you have seen them honestly try, and let them know you sincerely appreciate it. Let him/her know in word and action.

At first, when you arise each morning, check your list of goals. Pray and ask your Lord to equip you with the vision and strength to accomplish them this day. Add new goals as you see the need. Ask your mate if he/she has any goals they wish you would add to your list. If you find that your list is too extensive to make much headway at first, break it down into smaller bites. Take the two or three most important to accomplish and work on them until they become habit, then work on more.

A wheel

Think of your marriage as a wheel. It has been turning the wrong way. The faster it has been turning the wrong way, the more effort it is going to take to get it spinning the right way. However, remember that every little bit of energy expended in the right way is progress. Encourage this progress in yourself and in your mate. Thank the Lord and congratulate yourself when you have gone through a morning, a day, or (?) without a problem.

Perhaps slowing, but more importantly steadily, the wheel needs to stop going the wrong way and begin spinning the right way. If you are Christians you can do it. The Lord Jesus Christ will provide the strength if you will provide the will!

We say slowly here because we do not want those who have been very deeply damaged to be discouraged. It may take some real effort and period of time to overcome selfish and Christ dishonoring habits. However, it may be surprising how quickly a couple finds love and fulfillment in just beginning to apply some of God's principles to their marriage. (Again, please see "How to Have a Happy Marriage" and "The Christian Family" for details on some of God's principles in marriage.)

Problem solving

Now that you have goals and the means for accomplishing these goals in place, lets acquire some "tools" for problem solving. This next step can be dangerous if you are not careful for it could ignite into an unwanted, Christ dishonoring occasion. If that is the danger, skip this part for now. Wait until your relationship is on more sure spiritual footing.

When you are ready to proceed, recall your most recent simple marital problem. List separately what you recall you and your partner SAID (NOT what you were thinking).

HUSBAND'S RECOLLECTION

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WIFE'S RECOLLECTION

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Now, without arguing about who recalls the situation correctly (that does not matter for this experiment), see how much your recollections match. In all likelihood there are many discrepancies. In fact, they may be so far apart they do not even look like you were both in the same place at the same time. Do you know why this is the case (if it is)?

Communication

If you find that your recollections are badly matched, it is likely because of poor communication. Poor communication is the result of several factors, not listening and understanding carefully and not accurately expressing your feelings. Lets take these factors apart in an effort to obtain better communication. Since the overwhelming portion of our marriage is in verbal communication (we will discuss body language, etc. a little later), this is an extremelyimportant point.

Listening

Listening has at least two factors to it:

You must give your full attention to what your mate is truly saying, otherwise you will hear what you thinkthey are saying. Often we think we know what they are going to say and we superimpose our thinking over what they are reallysaying.
Even when you do hear what they are saying, you may not really understand what they mean by what they are saying.

The remedy to 1 and 2 above is:

Listen carefully and with attention.
Do not assume you understand what your mate means.
Ask what your mate means by what they said or tell them what you understand them to mean by what they just said.
By all means, even if you are correct in knowing what your mate was going to say and fully understand what they mean ... still allow them to say it! It is very frustrating to not be allowed to get our feelings out.
Do not interrupt while the other is speaking ... listen!

Speaking

Say what you are thinking (your spouse is not a mind reader).
Do not exaggerate for affect...say it accurately. Exaggeration shuts off the hearer.
Keep your voice calm (by praying). Raising your voice evokes emotions that cause the hearer to be unable to understand your reasoning. If your spouse is raising his/her voice, lowering your voice causes them to quiet down in order to hear you.
Use loving terms, expressions, and tone of voice. Discussions between husband and wife are not war negotiations or battles for supremacy (the headship in the family has already been established by God...the husband is the head...see Ephesians 5). They are efforts to understand. Sarcasm, belittling, etc., are all hurtful and more importantly, sinful.

Body language

A picture may be worth a thousand words but so is a facial expression. What are you "saying" when you roll your eyes? What volumes are your "speaking" with a smirk, a looking away, crossed arms, set jaw, hands deep in pockets, rapid hand, leg or foot movement, etc.? What is your motive? If you love the Lord and your mate, show it by soft facial expressions, voice tones and body language.

Touch

A number of very interesting experiments were conducted on the subject of touch some years ago. One involved a man standing in a phone booth pretending to be ending a phone call when someone else approached the booth to use it. Some change was deliberately left in the coin return. When the second user of the pay phone left the booth, the original caller was to approach them and ask if they found any money in the coin return slot. Half the time the original caller touched the second caller on the arm when they asked the question and half the time they did not touch them. You guessed it, a higher percentage of returned coins came from those who were touched. Does this tell you anything about husband/wife relationships in conversations? A sincere loving pat goes a long way.

Is Christ honored by your marriage?

Are you aware that your marriage is to be a testimony for the Lord Jesus Christ? An unhappy Christian marriage is a shame on His name! How much are you willing to give of yourself for His name?

Colossians 3:17 And whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by him.

I Corinthians 6:19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's.

II Corinthians 5:15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.

We could not pretend to cover all the many facets of a Christian marriage in any paper such as this. We would be happy to try to be of individual help to anyone who would care to contact us. All of our material is sent free and in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ.

by Weyman Zelder
P.O. Box 662
Orangevale CA 95662

Read these related topics: How to Have a Happy Marriage; Help for Hurting Homes; Bible Study on the Christian Family; Civilization & Co., Homewreckers; Are You Really a Promise Keeper?