Divorce and Remarriage: The Question of Abandonment

15. “Let Not” Versus “Can Not”

The statement, ⁹“what God has joined together, let not man separate,” does not say man cannot separate. The verse says, “let not.” It is not God’s intent. It is not God’s desire that man separate what God has joined together in the institution of marriage. It is important to remember there is no qualifying expression of saved or unsaved in this statement. It is a statement concerning human beings, all of them. Matthew 19:4 & 5 takes us back to the book of Genesis and tells us, “He who made them at the beginning made them male and female.., the two shall become one flesh…, so then, they are no longer two but one flesh.” The Lord Jesus then gives this instruction, “Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” God joined male and female together in the marriage relationship. This has been the case since, “the beginning,” whenever a man and woman become “one flesh” with a commitment of marriage to each other. This instruction does not take into consideration the question of saved or unsaved. So, when we look at I Corinthians 7:10 & 11, it is important that we not assume the marriage between two Christians is one man cannot separate. The word “man” here is not limited to male. It is referring to human beings, mankind. Either the wife or the husband can separate this joining done by God in the institution of marriage. They can separate this joining but they are told not to.

16. The Unique Instruction Found in First Corinthians Seven

Paul’s instructions to the husband and the wife are that they should not, as it were, separate what God has joined together. In verses 10 & 11 Paul says what he is saying is the Lord’s commandment, not his. In the scripture, we often find references made to something written at an earlier time without giving the entire quote. Examples of this are Luke 4:19 (quoting Isaiah 61), Acts 2:16-21 (quoting Joel 2), Acts 15:15 (quoting Amos 9), Romans 7:1-3 (referencing the law concerning marriage). In all of these references to things written before, it is necessary to go back to the passage, to fill in the blanks and understand fully the passage and why it is referenced. The same is true of I Corinthians 7:10 & 11. Paul gives a synopsis of what the Lord said on the subject of marriage and divorce. We will need to look at what the Lord said to fill in the blanks.

The instruction to both the wife and the husband in verses ten and eleven is, “A wife is not to depart from her husband,” and “a husband is not to divorce his wife.” This is consistent with the words of the Lord Jesus, ⁹“what God has joined together, let not man separate.” In this brief synopsis, Paul makes no mention of the allowance the Lord Jesus gave, ³⁰“except for sexual immorality.” Also, when the apostle Paul says in verse 11, “But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband,” he does not repeat the consequences of ignoring this warning. The consequences are, as stated by the Lord Jesus, ³²“If a woman divorces her husband and marries another, she commits adultery.”

It is important to recognize the fact that the apostle Paul is ONLY addressing the one who would initiate the separation. Paul is speaking to the wife who might be tempted ⁶¹“to depart from her husband” and the husband who might be tempted ⁶¹“to divorce his wife.” The apostle Paul in I Corinthians 7:10 & 11 is NOT giving the options for the “defrauded” spouse, the “victim.” To find the options for the “defrauded spouse,” the “victim,” we must look elsewhere in scripture.

The new revelation and the uniqueness of this passage is the fact that for this dispensation, God’s desire for a marriage where one partner is saved and the other partner is unsaved is, ⁹“what God has joined together, let not man separate.” The importance of this revelation is obvious when we reflect on what would have happened if the church in Corinth had received Paul’s second epistle and read, ⁵¹“Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers… what part has a believer with an unbeliever? …Come out from among them and be separate, says the Lord. Do not touch what is unclean… let us cleanse ourselves from all filthiness of the flesh and spirit, perfecting holiness in the fear of God,” without first having read the instructions from I Corinthians 7 regarding a marriage where one partner was saved, and the other was unsaved. There would have been a lot of separating of what God had joined together, a lot of divorce.

It is implied that verses 10 & 11 are written regarding a marriage of two Christians by the expression in verse 12, “but to the rest.” This implication is correct; it is written to and about two Christians but not uniquely about two Christians. The fact is, in verses 12 & 13, the believing spouse is told that if the unbelieving spouse is “willing to live with him/her,” they should not divorce. This is the same instruction as given in verses 10 & 11 about a marriage where both are saved.

What is new and unique in these instructions concerning divorce and remarriage is not the instructions to believers regarding their relationship with a believing spouse, but rather the instructions to believers who have an unbelieving spouse. A believer reading II Corinthians 6:14 – 7:1 without the revelation from the apostle Paul found in I Corinthians 7:12 – 16 would feel the immediate need to “come out, be separate, and touch not” the unbeliever in their saved/unsaved marriage. This would violate the instruction from the Lord Jesus, ⁹“what God has joined together, let not man separate.” However, with this instruction from the apostle Paul (First Corinthians 7:12 – 16), they now know that an existing marriage between a saved and an unsaved partner is not within the scope of what Paul called an “unequal” yoke in II Corinthians.

The fact that the “unbelieving” spouse is “sanctified” by the believer and because of this the children to this marriage “are holy” is stated in verse 14. God wants it understood that in order for a believing spouse to continue to obey the opening instruction in this chapter, “let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband,” would not require that the believer divorce his or her unbelieving spouse and remarry. The unbeliever was “sanctified” (consecrated, set apart for the marriage) which made it God’s order that the believer “not divorce”the unbeliever.

The church at Corinth consisted of both Jews and Gentiles. Even before the apostle Paul wrote II Corinthians warning against unequal yokes, the need for and importance of this separation had been instilled in the minds of the Jewish believers. Abraham instructed his servant in finding a wife for Isaac. ⁵⁸“I will make you swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and the God of the earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell.” Both Moses and Joshua instructed Israel concerning mixed marriages in the promised land. ⁵⁹“Nor shall you make marriages with them. You shall not give your daughter to their son, nor take their daughter for your son.” And, “..if indeed you do go back, and cling to the remnant of these nations–these that remain among you–and make marriages with them, and go in to them and they to you, know for certain that the LORD your God will no longer drive out these nations from before you…” Israel did not obey these instructions. Ultimately, they were scattered from the land and the temple was destroyed.

God in mercy, during the time of Ezra and Nehemiah, gave some of the Jews the opportunity to go back and rebuild the wall and the temple. Once again, Israel disobeyed concerning mixed marriage. Under Ezra’s direction the men of Israel dealt with the sin this way. ⁶⁰“We have trespassed against our God, and have taken pagan wives from the peoples of the land; yet now there is hope in Israel in spite of this. Now therefore, let us make a covenant with our God to put away all these wives and those who have been born to them, according to the counsel of my master and of those who tremble at the commandment of our God; and let it be done according to the law.” This was a very traumatic thing to do. I am sure it was heart wrenching for all involved, the guilty fathers, the wives, and the innocent children. In passing, it would be well to note that there is no indication that God expected the husbands or wives involved to live in celibacy.

The distinction between “clean and unclean” peoples would have been very important to a believer who had a Jewish background. Peter demonstrated this in a different way as recounted in Acts 10 when he refused to eat the meat he saw in a vision, even at God’s command. He later came to understand that God was informing him that it was all right for him to go to Cornelius and from there to all Gentiles with the gospel.

However, the message Peter received, concerning the gospel going to Gentiles, would not deal with the important question of mixed (saved/unsaved) marriages. For this reason, it was very important that this new instruction from the apostle Paul relevant to each having his own spouse, make it clear that the “unbelieving” is “sanctified” by the believer. Paul tells the believing spouse that if this were not the case, “Your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.” “Unclean” as the children of the mixed marriages were unclean in Ezra’s time. In this dispensation, unlike in Ezra’s time, the unbeliever is “sanctified” by the believer. This is a revelation that allows a believer in a mixed marriage (saved/unsaved) to live in “peace” without concern that in some way their children were negatively affected because their spouse was unsaved. In God’s sight the children do not have the stigma of being unclean in any sense. They are not “holy” in the sense of being saved, but they are accepted by God, being the children of a proper marriage in His sight.

Even though the unbeliever is sanctified by the believer and the children are holy, if the unbeliever chooses to leave, then “a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases.” Without any further thought or consideration, without “sexual immorality,” without being granted ²⁴“a certificate of divorce,” the believer is not bound to that relationship. The reason given for this is,“God has called us to peace.” We should consider “peace” to include all the aspects of dealing with our sexuality and the marriage relationship described in this context. It would not seem consistent that God has called a believer married to an unbeliever “to peace,” but he has not called the believing victim in a marriage where both parties are believers “to peace.” This would seem to be partiality, which is not a characteristic of God and His judgments.

Verse 16 holds out this possibility, “How do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?” The apostle Peter in I Peter 3:1 – 6 gives instructions to a wife in this type of situation that will improve her chances to save her husband. He says it will be a submissive life, adorned by the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit.

Paul, in I Corinthians 7:17, winds up this phase of the discussion by stating, “As God has distributed to each one, as the Lord has called each one, so let him walk. And so I ordain in all the churches.” Included in this expression must be what we read in verse 7. God has distributed to “each one his own gift.” For some it was the gift of living single as the apostle Paul did. For others, God had not distributed that gift to them. In verse 9 Paul says about those who did not have this gift, “If they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” Marriage is a prerequisite for those who are burning with passion to live in “peace.”

In verses 17-31 the instruction is to stay in the situation you find yourself in because ⁵²“the time is short.” Once again, there is a statement which recognizes the importance of the marriage relationship for most people. Sandwiched between exhortations to remain in the condition you find yourself, relevant to circumcised or uncircumcised, and slave or free, is this statement, ⁵³“Are you bound to a wife? Do not seek to be loosed. Are you loosed from a wife? Do not seek a wife. But even if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned.” There are no restrictions given here that are relevant to why one “is loosed from a wife.” The passages simply state, “even if you do marry, you have not sinned. It does not seem reasonable that this statement is talking about one who has never been married, because “loosed” is what one who is “bound to a wife,” is not to seek. One “loosed” can marry and not sin.

In verses 28 – 35 the apostle Paul again encourages living in the condition you are in if you are unmarried. The reason for giving these encouragements to live single is summarized in verse 35. Paul’s reason, “Not that I may put a leash on you, but for what is proper, and that you may serve the Lord without distractions.” It is a fact that every man and woman who is married should be caring ⁵⁴“about the things of the world–how” he/she “may please” his/her husband or wife. Paul is not saying this is wrong especially for those who are married or do not have the gift from God to live “in peace” in an unmarried state.

In the next three verses, 36 – 38, we have comments concerning a virgin and giving her in marriage. The point of the discussion is stated in verse 38. “He who gives her in marriage does well, but he who does not give her in marriage does better.”

The apostle Paul’s final thoughts on the subject of divorce and remarriage are stated in verses 39 & 40 and deal with widows. A widow “is at liberty to be married to whom she wishes, only in the Lord.” If a widow marries one who is not a believer (not “in the Lord”), she will be unequally yoked together with an unbeliever. For one to enter into a saved/unsaved marriage is not pleasing to God for several reasons. We will not go into the reasons in this study. It is true that II Corinthians 6:12 – 7:1 had not been written yet. However, it has always been God’s will (except in rare occasions. See Judges 14: 1 – 5, the account of Samson who took a Philistine wife, for example) that His people only marry His people. Again, even with widows, the apostle Paul makes this observation, “She is happier if she remains as she is, according to my judgment.” She may be happier in Paul’s judgment; however, he has already stated, ⁴⁵“If they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.” This is in harmony with the apostle Paul’s later instruction, ⁴⁴“I desire that the younger widows marry, bear children, manage the house, give no opportunity to the adversary to speak reproachfully.”

17. The Apostle Paul And “The Law of Her Husband”

The expressions, “the law” and “the law of her husband,” are found in two passages of scripture. The first is found in Romans 7:1 – 3 and the second is found in I Corinthians 7:39. There are at least two mistakes that can be made when applying these two passages. One is to consider that they are the solo and final word on the subject of divorce and remarriage. The second is to forget that while they state one aspect of “the law of her husband,” they don’t begin to include all of the provisions relevant to the rights and responsibilities of both the husband and the wife as stated in the law.

The following are points, from and concerning the law of her husband, that need to be remembered.

1. We in this dispensation are not under the law. It is for our learning and there are principles in the law that we can apply to our lives today. The law gives some idea of God’s attitude toward sin and divorce and remarriage. However, we are not under the law.
2. Under the law, a sexually immoral wife or a sexually immoral husband should have been put to death (Exodus 22:19, Leviticus 18:6, 20:10 – 17, Deuteronomy 27:20 – 23).
3. When a sexually immoral person was put to death that was the divine provision for the “victim” to remarry, to live in “peace.”
4. If a man took “another wife,” regarding the first wife he could not “diminish her food, her clothing, and her marriage rights.” If he did, she could “go out free, without paying money.” Another divine provision for the “victim” to remarry (Exodus 21:10 & 11, Deuteronomy 21:10 – 14).
5. If a man had two wives, one loved and the other unloved, and if his firstborn was the son of the unloved, the husband could not transfer his inheritance to the son of the loved wife. The inheritance of the firstborn (a double portion of all he had) went to the son of the unloved wife who was in reality his firstborn. The wife and the status of her son were protected by God (Deuteronomy 21:15-17).
6. If a man took a wife and she did not find “favor in his eyes” he could write her a certificate of divorce and she could become “another man’s wife.” Again, divine provision for the “victim” to remarry (Deuteronomy 24:1-4).

So we see that there is more to “the law of her husband” than, “the woman who has a husband is bound by the law to her husband as long as he lives. But if the husband dies, she is released from the law of her husband. So then if, while her husband lives, she marries another man, she will be called an adulteress.” It is a basic fact that the woman is bound to her husband until he dies. It is consistent with God’s intent from the “beginning.” However, there were other provisions in the law that under certain circumstances freed her.

One of the more significant provisions of the law that Israel could not implement during the time the Lord Jesus was on earth and should not be implemented by the church today, was the death penalty for “sexual immorality.” If implemented, as the law was written, this would have provided the option for the wife as well as the husband to remarry and live in “peace.”

The Lord Jesus seems to address this factor by providing divine judgment in making “sexual immorality” basis for a man putting away his wife and as discussed earlier, basis upon which a wife could “divorce her husband and marry another.” In cases where “sexual immorality” was a factor, the marriage to “another” did not result in adultery.

18. What of abandonment without “sexual immorality?”

We have looked at the provision expressed by the Lord Jesus and referenced by the apostle Paul making allowance for divorce and remarriage in those cases where “sexual immorality” was a part of the equation. We have looked at provisions of the Mosaic law for a woman who was unloved or uncared for by her husband, indicating God’s allowance for her to leave or be given a certificate of divorcement by her husband and remarry. However, at first glance it would seem that no such allowance is recognized by the Lord Jesus as recorded in the gospel accounts.

As has already been pointed out, it is good to remember the gospel accounts and 1 Corinthians 7 are giving instructions to the person who would consider leaving or divorcing. They are not giving instructions or allowances for the “victim.”

It is also important to realize that the context of Matthew 5:31 & 32 is looking at life from God’s perspective. This is apparent in Matthew 5:27 & 28 where we find these expressions. “You have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that whoever LOOKS at a woman to LUST for her has ALREADY COMMITTED ADULTERY with her in his heart.” This is dealing with something other than the physical and practical aspects of adultery; it is looking at the heart and its condition.

Marriage has several dimensions and can be looked at from different perspectives. There is God’s perspective, the individual’s perspective and the legal (Caesar’s) perspective. There are the spiritual, emotional, sexual, and financial dimensions of marriage. The scripture deals with these aspects and dimensions in various passages. Matthew 5:32 is primarily looking at the result of breaking the marriage in the sexual dimension (sexual immorality, adultery) from God’s perspective. From God’s perspective, it is the act of “becoming one flesh” with someone other than a spouse that separates “what God has joined together.”

In Matthew 5:32 the Lord Jesus places the responsibility for the adultery that would be committed by a wife whose husband divorced her (without her first being guilty of sexual immorality) on the husband’s shoulders, “CAUSES her to commit adultery.” The one with the authority has the responsibility and the accountability. This is as God sees and it may not be as man sees the situation.

The effects of disobedience to God are far reaching. Divorce, for any reason “except sexual immorality,” CAUSES… adultery. Therefore, “abandonment,” even if the spouse who is abandoning doesn’t commit adultery, CAUSES… the “victim” to “commit adultery.” The text gives no exceptions to this statement.

1. Abandonment without immorality does not separate “what God has joined together.”
2. Immorality is the act that in God’s sight breaks or separates what God has joined together. (The “victim” may choose to act on this separation or not; it is their option.)
3. Abandonment sets up a condition that makes it probable that Satan will be able to “tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” (1CO 7:5)
4. Those who have the gift of living as “eunuchs” (MAT 9:11 & 12) or of living in “peace” while living single (1CO 7:7,9 & 15) will be successful living in celibacy after having been “abandoned.”
5. Those without this gift will not be able to contain (this is consistent with the statement made by the apostle Paul regarding widows, 1TI 5:11 – 14) and will remarry.
6. If the abandoning spouse has NOT committed adultery at this point (either by remarriage or sexual relationship without a commitment of marriage), then when the “victim” of the “abandonment” becomes one flesh with another person with a commitment of marriage, this first ACT of becoming “one flesh” is an ACT of adultery. However, from God’s viewpoint the responsible party is the “abandoner,” the one who put his spouse in this position. This is what the Lord said, “But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for ANY REASON except sexual immorality CAUSES her to commit adultery…” (MAT 5:32).

An event takes place (becoming one flesh) between two people, one of whom was abandoned by their spouse, the other possibly never having had a spouse. This event is defined in God’s sight as adultery.

However, the one who has the authority over the other in this area of life (1CO 7:4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does) is the one who CAUSES (MAT 5:32) the adultery to take place and therefore is held responsible and accountable by God for the sin.

This is the same principle that we find in Genesis chapters 12 and 20 when Abraham told Sarai to lie and say she was his sister. The lie is an ACT that is sin in God’s eyes. However, Abraham had the authority, and we find no reference by God to Sarah having lied. In fact, Sarai is held up as an example for Godly women in this dispensation. ” As Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, whose daughters you are if you do good and are not afraid with any terror.” (1PE 3:6).

The same is true at the time king David gave instruction for Joab to put Bathsheba’s husband Uriah on the front lines and have him killed (2SA 11:14). Joab did this under David’s authority and not only killed Joab but many others. However, when God finally dealt with David and his sin, we find the statement, “… You have killed Uriah the Hittite with the sword; you have taken his wife to be your wife, and have killed him with the sword of the people of Ammon.” (2SA 12:9). No accusations are made against Joab. The children of Ammon are mentioned only in the context of how David accomplished the murder. The one who “CAUSED” Uriah to be murdered was David, and he is the one God held accountable.

God says one who divorces (abandons) his wife, “CAUSES her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery” (MAT 5:32). The ACT of becoming one flesh with another man (the ACT of adultery) “separates what God has joined together.” The individuals do not live in a state of adultery because they engaged in the ACT of becoming one flesh with the commitment of marriage. Again, as stated above, the ACT of adultery separated what God had joined together. This act is the responsibility of the abandoning party.

NOTE THE FOLLOWING:

a.) Physical death, in God’s sight, separates what “God has joined together” without fault.

b.) Adultery, in God’s sight, is man separating what “God has joined together” in marriage. Someone is at fault.

c.) 1CO 7:5 – Depriving (defrauding) gives Satan an advantage in testing one’s self control.

d.) 1CO 7:10-11 – If a wife deprives (defrauds) her husband by divorce or leaving and refusing to reconcile, God will hold her accountable for her contribution to her husband’s conduct. If her husband does not have the “gift” of living at “peace” without a wife and he marries another woman, the wife who initiated depriving (defrauding) of her husband will be responsible (in God’s sight), even if she does live in celibacy. (MAT 5:32 with MAR 10:12 and 1CO 7: 4 & 5).

e.) 1CO 7:11 – If the husband deprives (defrauds) his wife (MAT 5:32), he sets her up to separate what God has joined together because she is not able to contain. This will happen unless she has the gift from God of being at “peace” while living in celibacy. Her husband will be at fault. God will hold him accountable.

f.) Obedience to Paul’s admonitions in 1CO 7:10 & 11 will keep believers from becoming responsible and guilty before God for: a) their own sinful actions or b) the sinful actions of their spouse “CAUSED” by exercising their individual “authority” contrary to God’s order. These admonitions of both the Lord Jesus Christ and the apostle Paul are in harmony (MAT 5:31 & 32, and 1CO 7:2-5, 9, 11, 28 & 36).

The “event,” becoming one flesh, which is labeled adultery in Matthew 5:32, took place every time EXO 21:10-11, DEU 21:11, 24:1 and 1CO 7:15 were enacted and another marriage consummated. All were within the permissive will (the allowances) of God. Therefore, since God does not contradict himself, MAT 5:32, 19:9 and LUK 16:18 must not be a prohibition on the innocent (the “victim”) but a warning to the guilty that he (or she) will be looked upon by God as one who caused adultery.

God’s provision for the abandoned spouse is that if they cannot live a celibate life in “peace” and they do remarry, the responsibility and guilt for the ACT of becoming one flesh, the adultery, the ACT that separated what God joined together, is placed at the feet of the party that ABANDONED (divorced, deprived, defrauded) their spouse. With authority comes responsibility and accountability.