3 secrets for raising successful children: nurture, admonition, without wrath

The 3 most important concepts in the Bible for raising happy, successful children are contained in this single verse. And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. (Eph 6:4 KJV) The implications are huge, so let’s look at how this relates to the gospel.

Fathers are responsible

Earlier, Paul spoke about parents [1118 γονεύς], but here he changed the word to directly address fathers [3962 patér]. This emphasizes the responsibility and accountability of the father in the home, which is consistent with the Bible doctrine of an atomic family from Genesis to Revelation. If the father abandons his God-given duty, and the home crashes and burns, he will be held responsible and accountable before God.

And, ye fathers, provoke [3949 parorgizó] not your children to wrath:

but bring them up in the nurture [3809 paideia] 

and admonition [3559 nouthesia] of the Lord. (Eph 6:4 KJV)
You fathers, don’t provoke [3949 parorgizó] your children to wrath,

but nurture them in the discipline [3809 paideia] 

and instruction [3559 nouthesia] of the Lord. (Eph 6:4 WEB)

3949 parorgizó — provoke to anger, exasperate
This is a terrible action verb, which means to push someone so hard they lose control of their thoughts, anger, and actions — like the drill sergeant in boot camp who is trying to tear down the new recruits. Fathers should never do this to their children.

3809 paideia — discipline; training and education of children, hence: instruction; chastisement, correction
All the aspects of training and education of children including commands, admonitions, reproof, and punishment so they will grow up to full development.

3559 nouthesia — a warning, admonition, counsel
As used by the Lord in 1 Corinthians 10:11 to teach and admonish us from the Bible, this means to teach how to apply godly principles in practical ways.

Raising children without wrath

God never approves of wrath from anyone. Listen to the words of James, the physical brother of Jesus Christ. He encourages us to put the lofty theological doctrines of the Bible into actual practice. His instruction affects your daily life…

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:  For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.  Wherefore lay apart all filthiness and superfluity of naughtiness, and receive with meekness the engrafted word, which is able to save your souls. But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was. But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed. (James 1:19-25)

Raising children in the nurture of the Lord

In Hebrews 12:4-11, we are given a rare glimpse into the the heart of God. We are reminded to pay attention to the motivation of God’s correction because his goal is for our profit, that we might be partakers of his holiness. If we allow him, God will change the way we think to be conformed to his image (Romans 12:1-2).

Some fathers correct their children for their own profit, which is wrong and tends to cause wrath. This may appear to have a short-term benefit, but it doesn’t bring lasting peace. If you find yourself correcting your children over and over for the same things, maybe it is you and your correction that needs to change.

Godly fathers correct their children for the child’s profit, which yields peaceable fruit of righteousness and quiet confidence forever (Hebrews 12:4-11). They use wisdom that is first of all pure, then peaceable, gentle, accommodating, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial, and sincere (James 3:17).

  • Genesis 18:19 For I know him, that he will command his children and his household after him.
  • Deuteronomy 8:5 Thou shalt also consider in thine heart, that, as a man chasteneth his son, so the LORD thy God chasteneth thee.
  • 2 Samuel 7:14 I will be his father, and he shall be my son. If he commit iniquity, I will chasten him with the rod of men, and with the stripes of the children of men:
  • Psalm 94:12 Blessed is the man You discipline, O LORD, and teach from Your law,
  • Proverbs 3:11-12 My son, do not reject the discipline of the LORD, and do not loathe His rebuke; for the LORD disciplines the one He loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.
  • Proverbs 4:4 he taught me and said, “Let your heart lay hold of my words; keep my commandments and you will live.
  • Proverbs 13:24 He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.
  • Proverbs 22:15 Foolishness is bound up in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.
  • Proverbs 29:15 The rod and reproof give wisdom; But a child left to himself causeth shame to his mother.
  • Proverbs 29:17 Discipline your son, and he will give you rest; he will bring delight to your soul.
  • 1 Corinthians 11:32 But when we are judged by the Lord, we are being disciplined so that we will not be condemned with the world.
  • Hebrews 12:6 For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and He chastises every son He receives.”
  • Revelation 2:5 Therefore, keep in mind how far you have fallen. Repent and perform the deeds you did at first. But if you do not repent, I will come to you and remove your lampstand from its place.

Without correction or chastening, children become selfish and stubborn. These 2 traits will lead to disaster for the children and the parents. I have seen all kinds of successful chastening from light to strict, but I have never seen successful coddling or spoiling. Consider the account of Eli and his sons…

In that day I will perform against Eli all things which I have spoken concerning his house: when I begin, I will also make an end. For I have told him that I will judge his house for ever for the iniquity which he knoweth;  because his sons made themselves vile, and he restrained them not.  And therefore I have sworn unto the house of Eli, that the iniquity of Eli’s house shall not be purged with sacrifice nor offering for ever. (1 Samuel 3:12-14)

I plead with you to restrain your children from natural behavior that will lead to sin against God. If you don’t know how, get help: seek out Biblical counseling, ask older successful parents for guidance, read good books, and read the Bible.

Raising children in the admonition of the Lord

In my opinion, there is no such thing as “quality time” with children that is worth more than other time. All time is important: in the big life-changing things that happen from time to time, the everyday activities that surround us all the time every day, and the trivial little habitual details that we usually ignore. As Dorothy Law Nolte so brilliantly wrote, children learn what they live.

Spend time with your children, teaching them by your actions and if necessary use words. Show them how to get up in the morning. Show them how to be honest. Show them how to love. Show them how to work hard. Show them how to serve God. Show them how to relax. These lessons will be worth infinitely more than any schooling they will ever have.

If you don’t spend time with your children, someone else will. What will they teach them by their actions? Will they help your children learn to have full and abundant life? Will they be motivated by the thief (John 10:10) who comes only to steal and kill and destroy?

  • Exodus 12:26,27 And it shall come to pass, when your children shall say unto you, What mean ye by this service?
  • Exodus 13:14,15 And it shall be when thy son asketh thee in time to come, saying, What is this?
  • Deuteronomy 4:9 Teach them to your children and grandchildren.
  • Deuteronomy 6:7 And you shall teach them diligently to your children
  • Deuteronomy 11:19 Teach them to your children, speaking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.
  • Psalm 78:4 We will not hide them from their children, but will declare to the next generation the praises of the LORD and His might, and the wonders He has performed.
  • 2 Timothy 3:15 From infancy you have known the Holy Scriptures

Consider this amazing summary in the last letter of the Apostle Paul to his dear son in the faith. Even though I have quoted 2 Timothy 3:16-17 a bazillion times, I think the most important verse in this passage is highlighted below. Paul did not hide his suffering from Timothy. Paul did not hide his victories from Timothy. But, most importantly, Paul rejoiced that the scriptures had not been hidden from Timothy. I think this is the single most important thing a father can pass on to his children.

But you did follow my teaching, conduct, purpose, faith, patience, love, steadfastness, persecutions, and sufferings: those things that happened to me at Antioch, Iconium, and Lystra. I endured those persecutions. Out of them all the Lord delivered me. Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution. But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived. But you remain in the things which you have learned and have been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them.  From infancy, you have known the holy Scriptures which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith, which is in Christ Jesus.  Every Scripture is God-breathed and profitable for teaching, for reproof, for correction, and for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.

I plead with you to lead your children by examples that they can see: trials, victories, strengths, weaknesses, and reading the scripture.

For deeper study:

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