The perspective of a successful marriage

Couples who don’t have this perspective almost never have a happy successful marriage. Couples who do have this perspective almost always have a happy successful marriage. It’s almost a miracle! My wife and I have counseled many couples, who don’t have this perspective and refuse to learn this perspective, who will never have a happy successful marriage. But we have counseled some couples, who have learned how to obtain this perspective, and have recovered terrible marriages, and rebuilt torn-down marriages, and restored old, tired, worn-out marriages.

What is this perspective?

To discover this perspective, let’s go all the way back to the very first marriage. Remember in the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth. (Genesis 1:1) Then he created the land, the sea, the plants and trees, the stars and the sun and moon, the birds and fish, the land creatures, and finally man. When he looked at all his handiwork, he saw that it was good. (Genesis 1) But when he looked at man, he said, it is not good. (Genesis 2:18)

God said, it is not good for man to be alone. So, he made a helper who was just right for him. (Genesis 2:18) Adam recognized this was someone special because she had been made from his bones and his flesh. This explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and they become one flesh. Man needs woman. This was before children. Before work. Before houses. Before fashion. Before distractions. Just the two of them.

God ordained the man and woman to be married in a special relationship that he referred to as one flesh. God said, this will require a man to leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife in order to become one flesh. In modern language, he must change the perspective of his human loyalty from his birth family to his marriage. The husband and wife cannot consider life from the perspective of their birth families or their separate individual lives. They must look at everything in the world from the perspective of their marriage union as one flesh.

Why is this important?

Consider this film based on the true-life account of the 1980 United States hockey team’s triumphant Olympic victory against the Soviet Union. All these players were incredible. But watch the movie to find out what was missing that would have resulted in shameful defeat.


Filled with exhilarating nonstop hockey action and heart-racing suspense, MIRACLE is the inspiring true story behind one of the greatest moments in sports history — the 1980 United States ice hockey team’s triumphant Olympic victory against the Soviet Union. Kurt Russell gives a brilliant performance as the dynamic and determined coach Herb Brooks, who had an impossible dream — beat the seemingly unbeatable Soviets at their own game. Starting with a handpicked group of 26 undisciplined kids, Brooks coached them to play like they never played before, and turned 20 of them into a team that believed they could achieve the unachievable — and in the process, united a nation with a new feeling of hope.

These players were some of the best in the world. But they were an awful team. They couldn’t play together. Then the coach brutally forced them to change their perspective. They had to consider the name on the front of their jerseys to be more important than their individual names on the back of the jerseys. And they became an unbeatable team.

What about your marriage? Are each of you the best in the world, yet your marriage is full of fighting and strife? It is because you consider yourself to be more important than your marriage. You consider the name on the back of your jersey to be more important than the name on the front of your jersey. You haven’t changed your perspective from birth family and singleness to marriage.

What does this perspective do?

In Ephesians 5:31-32, the Apostle Paul recounts that first marriage. And the Holy Spirit inspired him to say that marriage was an illustration of how Jesus Christ and the church are united.

He said this perspective is required because of the battles we face. Not battles with other people. And never battles with each other. But battles against mighty powers and rules of darkness. (Ephesians 6:10-18) This is so much bigger than the 1980 Olympics. Are you going to be shamefully defeated? Or are you going to be glorious winners?

Just like the USA hockey players, it all depends on your perspective. Is your marriage composed of two separate people with two separate loyalties and two separate agendas? Or is the name of Jesus Christ on the front of your jersey more important than your individual names on the back of your jerseys?

The USA hockey team won the Olympics. But you can do better than that. You can have peace and love with faith from God the Father and the Lord Jesus Christ. You can have incorruptible love by the grace of God. (Ephesians 6:23-24) Your marriage can be happy and successful.

Or you can ignore this perspective and go on acting as two separate people fighting for your own way. And you will crash and burn like the millions who have proceeded you. It all depends on your perspective.

Biblical examples

Two couples spring to mind from the pages of scripture. Abraham and Sarah are an example of a faithful couple who lived a godly life in difficult circumstances with some sinful failures (Genesis). Priscilla and Aquila are a married couple who led a church that met in their home and were strongly involved in ministry throughout southern Greece. (Acts 18; 1 Corinthians 16:3; Romans 16:3)

What is the alternative?

Finally, let’s return to that account of the first marriage. What happened when Eve forgot this perspective? Eve was convinced the tree was beautiful and the fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. She forgot the miracle of their marriage. She focused her perspective on herself. And it didn’t end well. (Genesis 3)

Dig deeper

Featured image: frame from Miracle on Ice (TV Movie 1981)

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